Guidelines for a Politically Correct,
Copyright ©1994-2005 Shawn Dodds. All
Rights Reserved. Reproduction in any form without expressed
permission is strictly prohibited (just send me an email; I haven't yet
turned down a request for reproduction, and I love hearing where 'The
Guidelines' are being used.).
Studies show that the average (uniqueness impaired) person in
the average office will offend, intimidate or otherwise make
somebody feel uneasy an average of 3 to 4 times a day. This list
of suggestions will enable you to foster a completely harassment
free environment, eliminating all chances of offending,
intimidating or otherwise making people the least bit uneasy
about anything that happens in the workplace. Please keep in mind
that as more lawyers (the ethically impaired) pass the bar each
day, this list will grow on a daily basis.
- Don't use nicknames or pet names when addressing another
person. They may be offended or feel uneasy about it.
This includes, but is not limited to, such names as
'Hunkmuffin', 'Slamhound' and 'Tiny'.
- Don't talk or write about sexual situations in the
workplace. People may be offended or intimidated by this.
In fact, when I'm not getting any sex, this intimidates
- Don't talk or write about sexual situations, even in the
privacy of the toilet. You may offend someone who
overhears you from the next stall or inadvertently reads
such material while looking over the wall into your
- Don't use names in any verbal or written communications;
use employee numbers or initials instead. Eliminating
names in written correspondence eliminates the chance of
the reader forming an opinion based on the known gender
of the writer. And we all know that a full quarter of
people aren't happy with their given name and 1% are not
happy with their gender, so they might feel uneasy being
addressed by it.
- Don't use words of more than 2 syllables or 10 letters.
This may intimidate the people with limited vocabularies.
- Don't use words, slang or otherwise, that may refer to
any body parts in your written or verbal language in any
context. This includes, but is not limited to use of the
words Dick, Peter, Rod, head, ball, melon, valley and
pole. The elimination of names will solve problems with
the first three words.
- Avoid the use of words/phrases that may at any time be
used in a sexual context, including, but limited to the
words hard, soft, I/O, floppy, screw, come and 'do'.
- Don't use the English language. You may intimidate people
who don't have a good command of the language.
- Don't speak in any language other than English. That
- Don't speak. This may make the aurally impaired or
vocally challenged people feel uneasy.
- Don't use sign language. You may inadvertently sign an
offensive hand signal, or put someone's eye out.
- Don't smile at anybody. This might be taken as a sexual
advance, whether the other person is a woman or a man or
something in between.
- Don't open your mouth; keep your lips closed. The showing
of teeth in some cultures is seen as being belligerent or
- Don't breathe through your nose. The flaring of the
nostrils is seen in some cultures as a sign of
- Since you can't breathe through your mouth or nose at
this point, don't breathe. Breathing may offend the dead
(metabolically challenged) people in your workplace. And
we don't want to show disrespect for the dead.
- Don't look at another person's body, it may be demeaning
- All people should wear large padded uniforms with gloves,
all of the same type, size and color. This will eliminate
people being offended or intimidated by other people's
clothes and weights, breast sizes, etc.
- Wear gender-neutral masks so that nobody is offended,
envious or intimidated by your looks. This will help out
the ugly (aesthetically impaired) people to fit in.
- Don't make eye contact. An unintentional twitch may look
like you're making 'googoo' eyes at them.
- Don't look at another person's face. They may be uneasy
about the zit on their forehead or may think that you're
looking at their wrinkles.
- Don't look at the floor either. The other person may take
this to mean that you don't like them, and they may feel
uneasy about it.
- Since you can't look anywhere without possibly offending
somebody, wear very dark sunglasses, so dark that you're
essentially blind (visually impaired). Or just poke out
your eyes. This will also help to avoid intimidating
those people that really are blind.
- Cut off all your limbs. Otherwise you may intimidate
people without limbs. This will also lessen the chance of
- Shave your head. Any hair on your head may intimidate
bald (follicularly challenged) people.
- Take a shower once an hour, with unscented soap, so that
you don't offend anybody with your smell. This shouldn't
take too long, since at this point you have no limbs and
no hair. Other more drastic measures might be to have
everybody's scent and sweat glands removed, rendering
them 'odor deficient'. Or hire only people that are
- Don't expel any gases from your digestive system.
Nobody likes smelling that unless it's their own.
- Don't inhale gases expelled from other people's digestive
systems. Some cultures believe that these gases contain a
small piece of the owner's soul, on it's way to heaven,
and may be offended by your inhaling it.
- Don't participate in any sports. This may intimidate
those who can't participate in sports because of medical
problems, the 'aerobically challenged' or the 'cardiac
- Bleach your skin, so you don't make albinos (melanin
deficient) feel different.
- Color your skin black or brown, so you don't offend
African Americans (melanin sufficient) by your being
white (melanin challenged). Or, follow guidelines #2 and
#3 in this section.
- Don't touch anybody in any way. It may make them feel
uneasy, or they may take it as a sexual advance. These people
are 'contact sensitive'.
- Maintain at least a 3 foot distance from everybody at all
times to eliminate the chance of touching. Employees
should scoot along the wall to their right, facing the
wall, so as not to risk eye contact.
- Hallways should be widened and all conference rooms
should be increased in size so that the 3 foot rule can
- At all times in the workplace, employees should wear
360° proximity detectors set for 3 feet that emit an ear
piercing tone of at least 90 db.
- One person in the elevator at a time. You may be able to
stay 3 feet apart by standing in opposite corners, but
the risk for physical contact in exiting is just too
- If someone has a heart attack and falls to the floor, do
not attempt CPR. If someone starts choking on food caught in
their throat, do not attempt the Heimlich maneuver.
Lip-to-lip and hand-to-chest physical contact is not
appropriate at ANY time. A dead person can't file a
- Pictures of scantily clad people or anything having to do
with sex or sexual situations is forbidden. This might
offend the 'sexually challenged'.
- No pictures of family, children, friends or pets will be
allowed in the office. This may intimidate the 'mate
deficient', 'offspring challenged', 'likability
deficient' or the 'pet impaired' people in your office.
- No writing implements or anything cylindrical may be more
than 4 inches long. This may intimidate some 'length
- There should be a ratio of 2 women's toilets to every
man's toilet, since studies show it takes women twice as
- Men's urinals will be eliminated, since some men may
catch a glimpse of something that intimidates them.
- There should be no consumption of food where anybody can
see you. Let's face it, seeing somebody sucking out the
inside of a Twinkie can make us feel uneasy, as can
seeing somebody lapping chili out of the bowl with their
- The work environment is no place for religion, or religious
articles. More wars have been started over religious differences
than over land disputes.
Display of religious articles and activity, such as the Cross,
the Star of David or a slain goat or chicken, should be
strictly forbidden. Atheists may applaud this, but they're going
to Hell anyway.
- All offices will be of exactly the same color, size and
furniture setup, with the same number of windows, with
the same exact computer and software setup, so that
nobody feels that their importance has been diminished in
any way. These would be the 'esteem deficient' people
in your organization.
We realize that the recommendations listed above take away
individuality, creativity, communication and humanity in the
workplace, but let's face it, you go to work not because you're
human, but because you're 'financially deficient'.
Guidelines for a politically correct, harassment-free
workplace Version 1.13
Any comments, suggestions or requests for reproduction should be sent to
shawn at dodds1 dot com .
I haven't yet turned down a request for reproduction, and I love hearing
where 'The Guidelines' are being used.
|Copyright 1994-2005, Shawn Dodds
June 30, 2007 07:01 AM