Political Correctness

Guidelines for a Politically Correct, Harassment-Free Workplace
Version 1.13

Copyright ©1994-2005 Shawn Dodds. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction in any form without expressed permission is strictly prohibited (just send me an email; I haven't yet turned down a request for reproduction, and I love hearing where 'The Guidelines' are being used.).

Studies show that the average (uniqueness impaired) person in the average office will offend, intimidate or otherwise make somebody feel uneasy an average of 3 to 4 times a day. This list of suggestions will enable you to foster a completely harassment free environment, eliminating all chances of offending, intimidating or otherwise making people the least bit uneasy about anything that happens in the workplace. Please keep in mind that as more lawyers (the ethically impaired) pass the bar each day, this list will grow on a daily basis.

Verbal/Written Communications

1. Don't use nicknames or pet names when addressing another person. They may be offended or feel uneasy about it. This includes, but is not limited to, such names as 'Hunkmuffin', 'Slamhound' and 'Tiny'.
2. Don't talk or write about sexual situations in the workplace. People may be offended or intimidated by this. In fact, when I'm not getting any sex, this intimidates me.
3. Don't talk or write about sexual situations, even in the privacy of the toilet. You may offend someone who overhears you from the next stall or inadvertently reads such material while looking over the wall into your stall.
4. Don't use names in any verbal or written communications; use employee numbers or initials instead. Eliminating names in written correspondence eliminates the chance of the reader forming an opinion based on the known gender of the writer. And we all know that a full quarter of people aren't happy with their given name and 1% are not happy with their gender, so they might feel uneasy being addressed by it.
5. Don't use words of more than 2 syllables or 10 letters. This may intimidate the people with limited vocabularies.
6. Don't use words, slang or otherwise, that may refer to any body parts in your written or verbal language in any context. This includes, but is not limited to use of the words Dick, Peter, Rod, head, ball, melon, valley and pole. The elimination of names will solve problems with the first three words.
7. Avoid the use of words/phrases that may at any time be used in a sexual context, including, but limited to the words hard, soft, I/O, floppy, screw, come and 'do'.
8. Don't use the English language. You may intimidate people who don't have a good command of the language.
9. Don't speak in any language other than English. That intimidates me.
10. Don't speak. This may make the aurally impaired or vocally challenged people feel uneasy.
11. Don't use sign language. You may inadvertently sign an offensive hand signal, or put someone's eye out.
12. Don't smile at anybody. This might be taken as a sexual advance, whether the other person is a woman or a man or something in between.
13. Don't open your mouth; keep your lips closed. The showing of teeth in some cultures is seen as being belligerent or dominating.
14. Don't breathe through your nose. The flaring of the nostrils is seen in some cultures as a sign of aggressiveness.
15. Since you can't breathe through your mouth or nose at this point, don't breathe. Breathing may offend the dead (metabolically challenged) people in your workplace. And we don't want to show disrespect for the dead.

Physical Appearance

1. Don't look at another person's body, it may be demeaning to them.
2. All people should wear large padded uniforms with gloves, all of the same type, size and color. This will eliminate people being offended or intimidated by other people's clothes and weights, breast sizes, etc.
3. Wear gender-neutral masks so that nobody is offended, envious or intimidated by your looks. This will help out the ugly (aesthetically impaired) people to fit in.
4. Don't make eye contact. An unintentional twitch may look like you're making 'googoo' eyes at them.
5. Don't look at another person's face. They may be uneasy about the zit on their forehead or may think that you're looking at their wrinkles.
6. Don't look at the floor either. The other person may take this to mean that you don't like them, and they may feel uneasy about it.
7. Since you can't look anywhere without possibly offending somebody, wear very dark sunglasses, so dark that you're essentially blind (visually impaired). Or just poke out your eyes. This will also help to avoid intimidating those people that really are blind.
8. Cut off all your limbs. Otherwise you may intimidate people without limbs. This will also lessen the chance of touching somebody.
9. Shave your head. Any hair on your head may intimidate bald (follicularly challenged) people.
10. Take a shower once an hour, with unscented soap, so that you don't offend anybody with your smell. This shouldn't take too long, since at this point you have no limbs and no hair. Other more drastic measures might be to have everybody's scent and sweat glands removed, rendering them 'odor deficient'. Or hire only people that are 'smelling impaired'.
11. Don't expel any gases from your digestive system.  Nobody likes smelling that unless it's their own.
12. Don't inhale gases expelled from other people's digestive systems. Some cultures believe that these gases contain a small piece of the owner's soul, on it's way to heaven, and may be offended by your inhaling it.
13. Don't participate in any sports. This may intimidate those who can't participate in sports because of medical problems, the 'aerobically challenged' or the 'cardiac impaired'.
14. Bleach your skin, so you don't make albinos (melanin deficient) feel different.
15. Color your skin black or brown, so you don't offend African Americans (melanin sufficient) by your being white (melanin challenged). Or, follow guidelines #2 and #3 in this section.

Physical Contact

1. Don't touch anybody in any way. It may make them feel uneasy, or they may take it as a sexual advance. These people are 'contact sensitive'.
2. Maintain at least a 3 foot distance from everybody at all times to eliminate the chance of touching. Employees should scoot along the wall to their right, facing the wall, so as not to risk eye contact.
3. Hallways should be widened and all conference rooms should be increased in size so that the 3 foot rule can be followed.
4. At all times in the workplace, employees should wear 360° proximity detectors set for 3 feet that emit an ear piercing tone of at least 90 db.
5. One person in the elevator at a time. You may be able to stay 3 feet apart by standing in opposite corners, but the risk for physical contact in exiting is just too great.
6. If someone has a heart attack and falls to the floor, do not attempt CPR. If someone starts choking on food caught in their throat, do not attempt the Heimlich maneuver. Lip-to-lip and hand-to-chest physical contact is not appropriate at ANY time. A dead person can't file a harassment lawsuit.

Environment

1. Pictures of scantily clad people or anything having to do with sex or sexual situations is forbidden. This might offend the 'sexually challenged'.
2. No pictures of family, children, friends or pets will be allowed in the office. This may intimidate the 'mate deficient', 'offspring challenged', 'likability deficient' or the 'pet impaired' people in your office.
3. No writing implements or anything cylindrical may be more than 4 inches long. This may intimidate some 'length challenged' men.
4. There should be a ratio of 2 women's toilets to every man's toilet, since studies show it takes women twice as long.
5. Men's urinals will be eliminated, since some men may catch a glimpse of something that intimidates them.
6. There should be no consumption of food where anybody can see you. Let's face it, seeing somebody sucking out the inside of a Twinkie can make us feel uneasy, as can seeing somebody lapping chili out of the bowl with their tongue.
7. The work environment is no place for religion, or religious articles. More wars have been started over religious differences than over land disputes. Display of religious articles and activity, such as the Cross, the Star of David or a slain goat or chicken, should be strictly forbidden. Atheists may applaud this, but they're going to Hell anyway.
8. All offices will be of exactly the same color, size and furniture setup, with the same number of windows, with the same exact computer and software setup, so that nobody feels that their importance has been diminished in any way. These would be the 'esteem deficient' people in your organization.

We realize that the recommendations listed above take away individuality, creativity, communication and humanity in the workplace, but let's face it, you go to work not because you're human, but because you're 'financially deficient'.

Guidelines for a politically correct, harassment-free workplace Version 1.13